The Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our house
Ninety-Thousand creatures were cheering and ready to pounce
The burgundy stockings were chosen with care,
In the hopes that Portis, the uniform he’d wear

In the week the Skins practiced in their Reebok threads
While visions of Super Bowls danced in their heads
And Williams with his mane, and Gibbs with his cap
Had then settled down for a review of counter gap

When out on the field there arose such a clatter
Gibbs sprang from the film room to see what was the matter.
Away to the window Gibbs flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The flood lights on the field with the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to the players below,
When what to Gibbs wandering eye should appear
But a miniature Tiki and a bunch of blue queers

(Before I get inundated, that is not a slur. It is in the spirit of the original meaning of the word.)

With a little old coach, so sour and meek
Gibbs knew in a moment it must be Giants week
Small, slow, and weak, the Giants they came
Gibbs whistled and shouted and called them by name

“Now Tiki! Now Burress! Now Eli! We’re blitzin!
Your offense, it’s useless, the bit you’ll be spittin!
At the top of the East! But you’re due for a fall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry twigs that under one’s feet do crunch
Williams vowed that his D on Giants bones would munch
So out of FedEx the Giants they flew
They dropped the title trophy and Bowl tickets too

And then on game day I heard from the stands
The shouting and pounding from Redskins fans
As I raised up my fists and jumped up and down
Through the tunnel Tom Coughlin came with a bound

Dressed all in blue from his head to his toe
He begged to be spared of this terrible blow
His eyes—how they teared! His nose was a phlegm-in’
His mouth scrunched up like he just ate a lemon

Tom said, “We don’t deserve it, please take it. It’s yours
We had an easy schedule and nine games in New York
We can’t win road games, there’s no doubt that it’s true
When it comes to the Super Bowl you won’t see our blue

Your record in conference is better than most
The Hawks and the Bears, you burned them like toast
As for that first game, ‘twas a fluke, doesn’t jive
Like Hale I regret Well had only one life

And the refs did not like you, I just have to say
The Redskins were robbed down in Tampa Bay
Our tight end’s undisciplined he celebrates too early
And you have Chris Cooley who should play in Hawaii
But Shockey is family, family first, that’s the rule you know
We’ll cry if Sean Taylor arranges his funeral

Our QB’s a good one, but he’s simply not ready and
You have Brunnell! My God! What a veteran!”
Our defense was solid with ex-Redskin Pierce
But now backs’ll run on us like Ted Kennedy for beers

Our receiver, Plaxico, mugs corners to get open
And, his hold on the Chiefs, how’d the zebras miss that one?
The refs don’t flag us, you need not surmise
But the NFL owes you, revenge won’t surprise
And Moss is outstanding in so many ways
My team’s in the locker room, let’s call it a day”

Then he sprang to the bus, to his team gave a whistle
And they lowered their heads in defeat that was total
But, I heard him exclaim, ere he ran out of sight
“Hail to the Redskins, Y’all, and to all a good night”